I preach self-love because I think it is ridiculously important for everyone to love himself or herself. I posted on Instagram and Facebook the other day on why I haven’t been posting many ‘fitness’ types posts. I wanted to elaborate a little more on that, here.
For the past three to four years I have been stuck in a phase of going to the gym once, sometimes twice a day, doing copious amounts of single-joint movements, hoping to make myself more ‘fit’. But here is the catch… I was doing it to LOOK fit, not BE fit. As much as I wanted to deny that fact (and I really wanted to deny that fact), I couldn’t. I would want to call myself a ‘fitchick’ and I wanted to become Instagram famous because my body looked good. It’s a little ridiculous how hard I tried to deny what I wanted deep down.
It wasn’t until a month ago that I finally realized that I am on the road to where I want to be. I got placed at Crossfit Burke for an internship site and I absolutely fell in love with it. I’m not going to lie; my first workout was very nerve wrecking. I’ve always thought I was strong? I could ‘this much’ weight for skull crushers, and I’ve maxed out on ‘this much weight’ for leg extensions… so why can’t I do these exercises? Easy, I wasn’t training my muscles properly. I was training my muscles to look a certain way, not act a certain way. I wanted to look like this beautiful fit chick, but I didn’t really care if I could perform like one.
I haven’t been posting on Instagram lately and it finally rang clear to me… I haven’t been obsessed with looking at myself. I haven’t been obsessed with taking pictures of my abs, hoping to notice the slightest bit of change. I couldn’t tell you the last time I weighed myself. I eat when I am hungry and I GUESS WHAT? MY DIET HAS NEVER BEEN MORE BALANCED! I finally realized that I don’t need the approval of others to feel good about myself. I don’t need 700 hashtags, hoping to get over 100 likes on a picture because I got the most perfect lighting and a great pose. I don’t think about my ‘morning abs’ or taking before-during-after gym selfies. For once, I am happy with who I am.
I look in the mirror when I am working out and I see muscles that I NEVER thought would show on me. I find it amazing that once I stopped being obsessed with changing my body… my body actually changed. The definition that I have gained within the past month and a half is impossible not to notice. I haven’t touched a cable machine, smith machine, or assistance machine in over a month and I got what I wanted. I haven’t done preacher curls, lat pull downs, leg extensions, or skull crushers… and I am 10x stronger. I finally don’t care if I have ‘stomach definition’ today. I have absolutely 0 interest in cutting and the last thing I want to do is actually post about my progress… why? Because I am enjoying LIVING my progress, not talking about it. Now does that mean that I will never post about fitness again? Oh, I definitely will. But it will not have a purpose.
Instead of looking for stomach definition, I’m busy working on trying to do more than one T2B. Instead of flexing my biceps, I am busy working on a new clean PR. Instead of flexing my thighs, I am working on front squat, snatch, and overhead squat PRs. I absolutely love being able to see my muscles… but I don’t care about solely seeing them. I want to DO awesome things with them! What’s the point of having 5% body fat and seeing every muscle in your body if you can’t do something spectacular with it? I’m not trying to say that bikini competitors don’t work hard and don’t deserve credit. It’s a hard sport and I understand that. But coming from a female with an eating disorder… It’s a very dangerous sport.
This was probably one of the biggest leaps in the right direction that I have ever taken. Once again, I decided to go out of my comfort zone and it made me 10x a better person. It made me feel better about myself. I gained some confidence I never thought I would. The kind words and support that I have gotten on this topic mean the world to me. I don’t need the words and I don’t need the support… but when people go out of their way to tell me sweet words, it stands out a lot to me. I think the way a person gives their love and support to others, says a lot about them. That’s why I always try to show my love and affection to everyone in my life as often as possible. Do I always get it back? Hell no. But the people that give it back and the people that give it to me without even saying a word… those are the people that stick out in my mind and those are the people who I need to surround myself with because those people are the ones who make me genuinely happy. There is a select bunch of people that I can count on to notice my progress- and I couldn't be more thankful because they are the ones that notice, even when I am blind to it. This has been the craziest journey of my life, but it has all been so worth it. It just goes to show something else that proves to me that I can handle anything. Something else to show me I am such a strong woman.
No more looking for others to make me happy and fill this 'void' I had. Because they never did a good job of filling it anyways. I do the best job at making me happy.
I am thankful for those ridiculous amounts of assistance exercises that I performed because they did give me something to work with when I started these crossfit workouts.
Sometimes when you’re not looking for something, it tends to come find you.
PS- If you are in the Northern VA area and are interested in crossfit, let me know! I will always recommend Crossfit Burke. In the short time that I was there, it changed my entire perspective on exercise. Don't be afraid to ask for help or try something new-- it might just be worth it.