Lately, my concentration has not been where it needs to me. My mind is scattered. My soul feels like it is nearly in another world the entire day and it leaves my body feeling energy-less with 0 motivation for anything. Where did everything go? Why is this so difficult for me? (This is pertaining to life).
One thing is for sure; I’m not a fan of this Kylie. I’m not as happy as I usually am. Yes, there are some underlying factors there as well (you know, day to day incidents that can bring ya down), but overall, I don’t feel happiness like I usually do with myself. SO what is missing exactly? That is what I need to be asking myself.
Today, I didn’t have a very good day. On the outside, I portrayed a happy Kylie because no one wants to be around a Debbie-downer, right? (I’ve gotten so good at this that when my mom asks me if I’m okay, she has to ask me if I’m lying to her.) So anyways, usually I can brush things off but today I was feeling a ton of just sadness and overall just felt completely unwanted. Tried handling the feelings, didn't work. Tried running from them, didn't work. I tried crying, didn't work. But you know what I didn't do? I didn't go to anyone else about my feelings. I knew there was nothing they could do. This was something I had to do on my own.
Anyways, throughout the day, I could not shake this feeling. And to be completely honest, the slightest bit is still lingering right now, but overall, something FINALLY fixed my attitude today.
I worked out.
I haven’t been on a consistent gym schedule like I used to be and I hate it. I have little energy, I am working or interning all the time, and I’m pretty sure my SI joint is acting funny because my lower limb nerves have not been friendly lately… Are these excuses? Partly, yes. But to be honest, they’re not complete excuses because I am trying to listen to my body. My body is telling me something needs to change. I gave it some time off, now it is time to get back into the swing of things.
I miss my schedule. I miss my early mornings. I miss my food logs and healthy choices. I miss how people used to know me as this fit girl. That’s the best way to describe me. It’s my lifestyle, it’s my major… it is a HUGE part of my life and lately, I have been ignoring it.
Now, I’m not saying that I have been a big ball of sadness and I hate my life. I have definitely had more good days than bad, but I’ve been having more bad days than I would like to see. Exercise is my drug. It makes me happy. (SPOILER ALERT…. It is scientifically proven to be everybody’s drug ;)) But… I just know I could be feeling better, so I am ready to start feeling better. I can't keep putting everything in my life first anymore, I need to put MYSELF first. From this point on, KYLIE gets my attention and energy first. The only way to be better is to admit you are wrong and to just fix it. I can run in circles and say I don't know what is wrong, but at the end of the day, I know what it is. I am not the main priority in my life. I have decided to place my happiness and effort else where, but it is time that I put it back where it needs to primarily be. In my hands. Ready for my soul.
I need to remember that I am important too.
This blog is obviously an outlet for me, I love getting my thoughts out to anyone who wants to read them. Danielle, when you randomly text me about my blog, you’ll never truly know how much it means to me. Samantha, you like every post I make about my blog, which never goes unnoticed. Rachel, thank you for commenting on every single post, you know they ALWAYS make me smile. Mom, dad, and Shelby, thank you for being my blogs biggest fans… you three have always been my biggest fans and I am so lucky to have you guys. And to everyone else who reads them, thank you for taking your time out to read my thoughts. I don’t proofread, I know I make a ton of typos… but that is what makes my blog, my blog. It is just a collaboration of my thoughts and myself… which I know for a fact is not perfect, so no, neither is my blog. I think that makes sense?
Anyways, thank you to everyone who supports my life goals and me. I may lose my way at times, but I have never given up and definitely never will. As Rachel has told me before, "If you give up, I give up." She knows that statement will work on me because I will be DAMNED if I let her give up.... Now, I just need to have the same thought about myself.