Well, here it goes.

There is something about myself that I have never shared on my blog.  I’ve been nervous to release it to the public but I think I am to the point that I can come to terms with it.  Very few people know this about me, but the people that do are very supportive.  I think the reason I don’t like talking about it is because most people react very harshly.  It’s something you don’t really understand unless you live with it.  Even while I am typing this, I am going through phases of “should I say it or shouldn’t I?”  I’ve come very far, so I think it is something I should be proud of now.
 
I have an eating disorder.  I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food for the past few years now.  If you have never read the ‘about me’ section of my blog, about 7 years ago now, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  The way I would cope was running.  I ran, a lot.  But along with that… I didn’t eat.  I lost a lot of weight but I looked too thin.  I didn’t love my body enough to nourish it.  I just wanted to be ‘skinny’.  I didn’t even really care how I got there.  I just figured that if I didn’t eat much, and I ran, then I would lose weight.  That’s how it works, right?  Wrong.
 
So I’m not sure exactly how it started to happen, but I decided to start eating.  I ate healthy-ish, but for some reason I couldn’t say no to certain foods.  So I would eat them and get rid of them, immediately after.  I’m sure you can put the pieces together on that one.  There were two ways that I would purge-- the old-fashioned way and the exercise way.  I would read the calorie count on the treadmill (which, lets be real... is about 70% accurate on a good treadmill) and I would work off the food I just ate.  Still SUPER unhealthy, but once again, I wanted to be skinny.
 
Then, I decided to wake up.  I didn’t want to be ‘skinny’ anymore… I wanted to be strong.  I wanted to have muscles and feel confident.  So I started lifting weights.  I have to say, since I started lifting (about 2-3 years ago), my life changed.  I gained nearly 10 pounds but I was getting happier with my figure.  I tried really hard to make good choices and I often did, but I cut everything out of my life.  I was in bed by 8 o’clock every night, up by 5, and I worked my butt off at the gym.  I never went out or had any sort of social life.  I was eating healthy choices but something was still wrong… I could tell.  How could I tell?  I was still purging.  You know how people say, “I love food too much to be anorexic?” Well that was the outlook I had.  In my mind, I had this brilliant new idea!  I could eat whatever in the world I wanted… because it wouldn’t stay in my system long enough to make me ‘fat’.  If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong.  This is unfortunately the way that I thought.
 
I still am so glad that I decided to major in health and fitness.  I understand more than I ever thought I would.  It has made this journey to recover easier… but it is something that takes time.  The average person overcomes an eating disorder within the span of 10 years.  There is so much more to it than just purging or not eating and I think that is something not many people understand.  With every bite I take, I think about how it will affect my body.  Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I will eat the next day.  There is a reason I only drink alcohol when I am out or I have the desire to catch a buzz.  I don’t season my food with salt because I watch my sodium intake that closely.  It is something that has the potential to control my entire way of thinking.
 
So here I am today.  Today, I have decided I don’t want to be ‘strong’ or ‘skinny’.  I have decided that I want to be Kylie.  To this day, I still have an unhealthy relationship with food.  It’s hard for me to indulge in certain things and after I do, I feel terrible about myself.  These are some of the things that I am currently working on.  I have come a long way with loving myself, but I still have a ways to go.
 
More people live with these disorders than you think.  Lately, I realized that I have been doing better than I ever have been.  Good choices feel like second nature, I am getting more comfortable with indulging, and I have even started to incorporate juice and lemonade into my diet.  I think this is because of my ridiculously strong support system; I am surrounded by so much love and positivity, and I am also residing in a very peaceful environment… I am starting to become more comfortable with myself in general.  It isn’t easy and I definitely have my days of doubt, but it’s better than it ever has been.  I feel in control of my life and I feel like I finally have a grip on how to conquer this now.
 
There is a reason that people come in and out of your life.  Everyday, Justin pushes me to help me reach my goals.  He reminds me that I am beautiful, but he pushes me to still be better because he knows I have this potential.  Jessica pushes me everyday to try and lose the fear of eating certain foods.  She doesn’t let me stay away from things because I am scared of them.  My parents stay on top of me to make sure that I am continuing to eat (because they know I somehow ‘forget’ sometimes).  My sister and I text each other daily inspiration and motivation text messages to help keep me heal.  The non-immediate family of mine that also knows has been so supportive as well… listening to me talk to them about the disorder and also being very compassionate.

So please, don’t question why I post daily fitness inspiration.  When I post, I am in a very good place mentally.  I like inspiring others; it makes me feel like I have a meaning.  Don’t question why I drink diet soda instead of regular because it is ‘worse’ for you.  (Besides the fact that it isn’t worse for you, I have many research articles proving that statement wrong).  By asking me that, it reminds me that I am not mentally strong enough to drink a regular soda.  Which is the truth, I am not.  I am scared of regular soda.  If you see me eating dessert, or you hear me choose fries over broccoli, don’t mention how “I’m a fit chick, I shouldn’t be eating that.”  The small things like ordering fries instead of broccoli are a small victory for me, so please don’t ruin that.
 
Don’t tell me the way I look is because of my metabolism.  The body that I have is a combination of fear and hard work.  I dedicate myself to the working out and I dedicate myself to eating healthy, which is hard work.  I don’t have the “eat whatever you want and not gain weight” genetics.  I have the “work your ass off to become who you want” genetics.  I am scared of eating certain things, which is a fact.  Therefore I do not indulge daily.  This fear has helped me keep my figure in a way because I do make better choices.  But please, it is insulting to hear that the way I look is because of my metabolism because I promise it is not.
 
Most importantly, don’t tell me to just “stop thinking that way.”  If I could, don’t you think I would?  If it was as easy as snapping my fingers and just changing everything and every thought, I would.  But there is no easy way out of this.  This takes discipline, time, and effort; all of which I am willing to provide.  I want to be free.  I don’t want to be controlled by the thought of food anymore.
 
To you, this is crazy.  To you, it is hard to believe that someone could live this way, ‘especially someone like me’, someone who is so inspirational, fit, and healthy.  Well, we all have our secrets.  Nobody is perfect and the things that seem easy and natural for you are not easy or natural for me.  I don’t think jokes about anorexia or bulimia are funny.  99% of jokes are not off limits to me…but these are.
 
So there you have it.  Everyone is fighting a battle that not everyone knows about.  There is a rhyme and reason behind all the ‘weird’ decisions I make when it comes to food.  I am learning balance and I am slowly but surely overcoming my fears.  Thank you to everyone in my support system, you all have helped me in more ways than you think.
 
I am happy, healthy, and most importantly I am Kylie. I know I can overcome anything.  You just read the basis for the book that I plan on hopefully writing some day.  I have a ridiculous passion with helping people and I know that my journey is happening for a reason.  I will say it until it comes true.  I was put on this plant to changes someone’s life…. And that is what I am going to do.

I'm not putting up with unhealthy relationships in my life anymore... so i guess it's time that food and I start understanding each other.  Don't ya think?

You sir, are the real deal.  I have met so many “dads” in my life and NONE of them have even come close to you.  I can’t say it enough how lucky I am to be your daughter.
 
Do you remember when I was in high school, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression?  You spent so much time at that school.  Every time I had a panic attack in the nurse’s office, you came and sat there until I stopped crying and could head back to class.  I’m actually tearing up writing this because I know dads who barely make an effort in their child’s life in general.  You literally left work, at the drop of a dime because you knew that I needed you.  For those of you who don’t know, when I was first diagnosed with this, my dad was the only person who could calm me down from an attack.  I remember sitting on my bathroom floor bawling my eyes out, refusing to leave the bathroom… but my dad never once gave up on me.  He would lie in my bed and talk to me even if I didn’t respond.  He would take me out to Chipotle, to get ice cream, to go shopping, even just on a drive.  He did whatever it took to get me out of the house.  Thank you dad.
 
It can’t eat you.  We run this muh’f&^@r!  I remember waking up to notes on the kitchen counter every single morning from mom and you.  Telling me that my anxiety couldn’t eat me and that no matter what, I was going to get through this because we are PETERS… and we make it through EVERYTHING.  To this day when I text you that I am anxious, you will flood my phone with inspirational text messages as well as funny pictures.  How do other people live without a dad like you?  I don't understand.
 
I am so blessed and I really can’t say that enough.  You taught me that my family and me feelings mean everything in this world.  Possessions and things are useless in the end.  You have never been more correct.  You raised Shelby and I by giving us love, attention, and comfort.  We aren’t rich.  We don’t go on crazy amazing vacations.  Hell, when I was younger we didn’t really take vacations for the fun of it.  We don’t eat family dinners together at the table.  I call you ‘Jimmy’ not ‘dad’.  We make fun of each other more than anything.  So, how did we grow up so closely knit?
 
We grew up this way because we spent every single weekend together as Shelby and I were growing up.  We didn’t take vacations to Hawaii, Florida, or any beach for that matter.  We took ‘vacations’ to softball fields and basketball courts.  (I went from tearing up to having the biggest smile on my face now.)  I remember waking up at 5:30 in the morning, walking out of my room and seeing our uniforms laid out on the couch, ready to go.  We grew up this way because you and mom ALWAYS put us first.  You and mom gave Shel and I everything you possibly could have.
 
I will never forget the first Build-a-Bear I ever got.  Grandma decided to take Shelby, Sam, Dan, and I to Build-a-Bear one summer…on a Friday.  And Friday’s have always been your day off.  So what did I do?  I stayed home with you.  I always rememeber feeling bad leaving you; I felt like I had to spend time with you because you would be sad if I didn’t. (And no—I’m not making this up!  Looking back on it…Dad probably wanted a day off but Kylie was always there!)  Grandma ended up making me a Build-a-Bear and bringing it home to me.  Till this day, we still have ‘daddy-sissy’ days, usually weekly.

We have really had some great times together dad.  Driving 3.5 hours the morning after Grandma passed away to pick up Shelby.  The week(s) we spent while Shelby, mom, and Grandma were in Colorado.  (I remember just going to the grocery store and we bought everything we wanted...because mom wasn't there to tell us no.  We always joked if we lived together without mom, we would be broke.)  All the nights we played poker together.  Going on juice runs.  Going to the gym and spending hours there together.  The hours spent playing softball and playing basketball in the front yard.  Our walks we used to take every evening.  Some of my best memories have been with you. 

I think one of my favorite qualities about you is that you are always the first to say you made a mistake.  I love getting texts from you saying you messed something up, so you clean it up, own up to it, and move on.  It’s life and we all make mistakes.  I will never forget when we talked about people who can’t do this and how they are not true to themselves.  I knew adults who will never take blame for anything they do, and it is a sad site to see.  I couldn’t imagine growing up around someone who isn’t true to themselves like that.  Thank you dad.  Thank you for letting me make my own mistakes, and teaching me to own up to them.  It never gets less embarrassing or nerve wrecking…but what can you do?  You own up to it and you move on. It is simple as that.
 
You’ve always had my back.  You’ve always given me great advice.  You’ve always built my self-esteem and self-confidence up. You have taught me how to be the bigger person (through example). You have really done it all.  I don’t care what anyone thinks because I am in love with the woman that I am.  I am not perfect.  But I am real, and I have you to thank for that.  You and mom have made me who I am today, and I am really freaking proud.  I am happy, healthy, and ready to take on life.  All thanks to you.
 
Thank you for teaching me about life, dad.  I wouldn’t have wanted to learn these lessons from anyone else.  Thank you for showing me what a REAL man is.  I hope my husband can teach my children as well as you have taught Shelby and I.
 
“When my world goes crazy you won't let go.  When the ground gets shaky you give me hope.  When I try to push you away you never move.  When I start doubting you help me see, there's a strength and a mind and a power in me."
 
I love you, dad.
You are my hero.
Happy birthday man.

< This was the first quote that popped up on my Pinterest newsfeed... coincidence?  I think NOT.

​Do you ever build something up in your mind so much and you get so excited and when the time comes…it just isn’t want you pictured?  It could end up being great…but it isn’t what you expected, so you get down.  I tend to notice that I get this way when I am on a streak of comparison.  I see other vacations, birthdays, relationships, and even bodies and I just compare.  I see all the amazing things that people post (well duh, we don’t post the bad stuff on social media), and I compare my life to it.  I knew we have all done it at one time or another.  But it doesn’t make it okay.  Even just one person suffering from this is enough to try and call it quits.
 
So why do we compare?  Someone is skinnier?  Someone is happier?  Someone has more money?  I think the most annoying part is knowing that deep down that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…but still torturing yourself with the thought that it is.  So how do we call it quits?  How do we put a stop to letting the comparisons of others get to us?  Well, we need to find the triggers and we need to make mental notes to STOP falling for these triggers.  If we know that getting on Facebook may upset us…why the hell do we do it?  Sorry for my language, but I mean come on.  Why?  I am SO guilty of this too.  I say it’s time we stop giving into the stigma of social media and the perceived perfection of other’s lives.  If we know something may get us feeling a certain way… I think it’s time we stop doing it.  Because when you say it like that...it seems stupid that we keep doing it, right?
 
So here I am, I know I am not the only person that struggles with this.

5 ways to CUT comparison out of your life:
IDENTIFY the triggers
What is it that makes you feel this way?  You know, that feeling you get when your stomach drops and your mind just starts to race.  When you start to feel anxious and you can literally FEEL yourself rising with anger and self-doubt?  Yeah…whatever it is that makes you feel that way, it is a TRIGGER.  It may be social media, your phone, people, food… it could really be anything.  And on top of that, it may be a completely different trigger than someone else, which is OK.  You are allowed to have different triggers and feelings than other people.  Just because it seems silly or stupid to someone else, doesn’t take away it’s worth to YOU.
 
DELETE the triggers
This is the hard part.  At this point, if you have a trigger, you have most likely invested yourself in this trigger.  It is probably a habit at this point too.  Which honestly, habits SUCK to break, right?  For example, in the past when all this political BS used to get to me (more than it does now), I deleted the Facebook app from my phone.  BUT… I logged right onto Facebook through my Safari app…so what the heck was the point of me deleting the app if I wasn’t even going to try to resist the temptation?  I literally thought that I was going to miss something.  THAT is why I felt the need to check.  Really?  Social media does NOT run my life (well, I guess in a way, it kind of does?).  I know for a fact one of my triggers is Facebook, therefore I am taking the stand to delete it off my phone.  If I check it here and there, that is one thing…but to stalk it (like I feel that I do) is another thing and it isn’t healthy.  Just know that I am not throwing this advice out here for others…I am going to start following my own advice.  We are in this together.
 
Realize that what you have is ENOUGH
I promise you that perfect couple online, that girl with the perfect abs, or the girl with the large bank account are not as happy as they appear.  They have their moments of doubt, sadness, and lack of confidence.  You are not the only one that ever feels this way.  Easier said than done, but just try to remember that you have so much.  You may not have exactly what they do, but what you have is YOURS.  You should take pride in that.  This biggest thing that I always remember is my FAMILY.  Whenever I get to the point where I get upset for some reason, I try to remember my family and my dogs.  Does it always make a difference?  No, but more often than not, it truly does.
 
Count your blessings DAILY
Sometimes I like to make lists of the things that I am grateful for…just because.  I like to remember everything I have.  Whether it makes a difference when I am having a comparison attack (lol—definitely just made that up), it makes a difference in the long run.
If you want to see how rich you are, count how many things you have that money can’t buy.
 
STOP wishing
Stop wishing for these things to magically become yours.  If you want more money, go make it.  If you want happiness, go find it.  If you want abs, do what it takes.  You have the capability to change for the things you want, it’s just up to you to take the steps to do so.  If you want to look like her so badly, do what it takes.  If you want a happy relationship, make it.  Your life is not your social media life.  Your life is not your job.  Your life is not your friend’s life.  Your life is your own life and only you can make it the way you want it.  I want to be able to run a faster mile therefore I work towards that.  I want to be able to be more confident in myself therefore I am taking the first step and identifying the triggers.  I am not going to keep wishing for a miracle to happen.  Eh, this may not be very positive but I don’t really believe in miracles.  If they were real, Grandma would be alive.
 
Seriously guys.  You have one life.  Are you going to keep living it being upset, disappointed, and anxious?  Well, I’m not.  No more expectations.  No more putting yourself down.  Here is to being less attached to devices and the thought of freedom.  If you want your own mental freedom, you’ve got to go create it.

What are your triggers and how can you delete them?