There is something about myself that I have never shared on my blog. I’ve been nervous to release it to the public but I think I am to the point that I can come to terms with it. Very few people know this about me, but the people that do are very supportive. I think the reason I don’t like talking about it is because most people react very harshly. It’s something you don’t really understand unless you live with it. Even while I am typing this, I am going through phases of “should I say it or shouldn’t I?” I’ve come very far, so I think it is something I should be proud of now.
I have an eating disorder. I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food for the past few years now. If you have never read the ‘about me’ section of my blog, about 7 years ago now, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. The way I would cope was running. I ran, a lot. But along with that… I didn’t eat. I lost a lot of weight but I looked too thin. I didn’t love my body enough to nourish it. I just wanted to be ‘skinny’. I didn’t even really care how I got there. I just figured that if I didn’t eat much, and I ran, then I would lose weight. That’s how it works, right? Wrong.
So I’m not sure exactly how it started to happen, but I decided to start eating. I ate healthy-ish, but for some reason I couldn’t say no to certain foods. So I would eat them and get rid of them, immediately after. I’m sure you can put the pieces together on that one. There were two ways that I would purge-- the old-fashioned way and the exercise way. I would read the calorie count on the treadmill (which, lets be real... is about 70% accurate on a good treadmill) and I would work off the food I just ate. Still SUPER unhealthy, but once again, I wanted to be skinny.
Then, I decided to wake up. I didn’t want to be ‘skinny’ anymore… I wanted to be strong. I wanted to have muscles and feel confident. So I started lifting weights. I have to say, since I started lifting (about 2-3 years ago), my life changed. I gained nearly 10 pounds but I was getting happier with my figure. I tried really hard to make good choices and I often did, but I cut everything out of my life. I was in bed by 8 o’clock every night, up by 5, and I worked my butt off at the gym. I never went out or had any sort of social life. I was eating healthy choices but something was still wrong… I could tell. How could I tell? I was still purging. You know how people say, “I love food too much to be anorexic?” Well that was the outlook I had. In my mind, I had this brilliant new idea! I could eat whatever in the world I wanted… because it wouldn’t stay in my system long enough to make me ‘fat’. If you think I’m making this up, you’re wrong. This is unfortunately the way that I thought.
I still am so glad that I decided to major in health and fitness. I understand more than I ever thought I would. It has made this journey to recover easier… but it is something that takes time. The average person overcomes an eating disorder within the span of 10 years. There is so much more to it than just purging or not eating and I think that is something not many people understand. With every bite I take, I think about how it will affect my body. Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I will eat the next day. There is a reason I only drink alcohol when I am out or I have the desire to catch a buzz. I don’t season my food with salt because I watch my sodium intake that closely. It is something that has the potential to control my entire way of thinking.
So here I am today. Today, I have decided I don’t want to be ‘strong’ or ‘skinny’. I have decided that I want to be Kylie. To this day, I still have an unhealthy relationship with food. It’s hard for me to indulge in certain things and after I do, I feel terrible about myself. These are some of the things that I am currently working on. I have come a long way with loving myself, but I still have a ways to go.
More people live with these disorders than you think. Lately, I realized that I have been doing better than I ever have been. Good choices feel like second nature, I am getting more comfortable with indulging, and I have even started to incorporate juice and lemonade into my diet. I think this is because of my ridiculously strong support system; I am surrounded by so much love and positivity, and I am also residing in a very peaceful environment… I am starting to become more comfortable with myself in general. It isn’t easy and I definitely have my days of doubt, but it’s better than it ever has been. I feel in control of my life and I feel like I finally have a grip on how to conquer this now.
There is a reason that people come in and out of your life. Everyday, Justin pushes me to help me reach my goals. He reminds me that I am beautiful, but he pushes me to still be better because he knows I have this potential. Jessica pushes me everyday to try and lose the fear of eating certain foods. She doesn’t let me stay away from things because I am scared of them. My parents stay on top of me to make sure that I am continuing to eat (because they know I somehow ‘forget’ sometimes). My sister and I text each other daily inspiration and motivation text messages to help keep me heal. The non-immediate family of mine that also knows has been so supportive as well… listening to me talk to them about the disorder and also being very compassionate.
So please, don’t question why I post daily fitness inspiration. When I post, I am in a very good place mentally. I like inspiring others; it makes me feel like I have a meaning. Don’t question why I drink diet soda instead of regular because it is ‘worse’ for you. (Besides the fact that it isn’t worse for you, I have many research articles proving that statement wrong). By asking me that, it reminds me that I am not mentally strong enough to drink a regular soda. Which is the truth, I am not. I am scared of regular soda. If you see me eating dessert, or you hear me choose fries over broccoli, don’t mention how “I’m a fit chick, I shouldn’t be eating that.” The small things like ordering fries instead of broccoli are a small victory for me, so please don’t ruin that.
Don’t tell me the way I look is because of my metabolism. The body that I have is a combination of fear and hard work. I dedicate myself to the working out and I dedicate myself to eating healthy, which is hard work. I don’t have the “eat whatever you want and not gain weight” genetics. I have the “work your ass off to become who you want” genetics. I am scared of eating certain things, which is a fact. Therefore I do not indulge daily. This fear has helped me keep my figure in a way because I do make better choices. But please, it is insulting to hear that the way I look is because of my metabolism because I promise it is not.
Most importantly, don’t tell me to just “stop thinking that way.” If I could, don’t you think I would? If it was as easy as snapping my fingers and just changing everything and every thought, I would. But there is no easy way out of this. This takes discipline, time, and effort; all of which I am willing to provide. I want to be free. I don’t want to be controlled by the thought of food anymore.
To you, this is crazy. To you, it is hard to believe that someone could live this way, ‘especially someone like me’, someone who is so inspirational, fit, and healthy. Well, we all have our secrets. Nobody is perfect and the things that seem easy and natural for you are not easy or natural for me. I don’t think jokes about anorexia or bulimia are funny. 99% of jokes are not off limits to me…but these are.
So there you have it. Everyone is fighting a battle that not everyone knows about. There is a rhyme and reason behind all the ‘weird’ decisions I make when it comes to food. I am learning balance and I am slowly but surely overcoming my fears. Thank you to everyone in my support system, you all have helped me in more ways than you think.
I am happy, healthy, and most importantly I am Kylie. I know I can overcome anything. You just read the basis for the book that I plan on hopefully writing some day. I have a ridiculous passion with helping people and I know that my journey is happening for a reason. I will say it until it comes true. I was put on this plant to changes someone’s life…. And that is what I am going to do.
I'm not putting up with unhealthy relationships in my life anymore... so i guess it's time that food and I start understanding each other. Don't ya think?