Things have been going well for me. BIG NEWS! I am formally announcing that I have no idea what I am going to do with my future. Most people would think that this isn’t something to be proud of because I am almost a college graduate and I am just like “Nah, I’ll decided tomorrow.” But if you know anything about me, you would know that this is actually pretty awesome for me. This girl who has to plan her breakfast the night before has NO idea what she wants to do with her life.
So yes, I am sure that some of you are wondering what happened to OT school. No, I will not be attending graduate school, for many different reasons. But what it comes down to is that, I was second guessing myself for a while but I was too scared to pull the trigger because I needed to have a ‘plan’…even if that meant planning to do something I didn’t want to do. I was literally stressing myself out daily on something that I wasn’t even sure on. I was a little scared of letting people down, and I was partially worried about people judging me for not wanting to follow through with it… But this is my life. I enjoy hearing the opinions of others, but I refuse to let their opinions dictate my life. So no, I will not become “Kylie Peters DOT or MOT” and I am 100% content with that. What do I want to do instead? Eh, I have options, I have ideas. I know for a fact that I will be going into health care but I haven’t stressed it too far after that.
I’ve been getting these wonderful epiphanies lately (as Rachel and I call them—“conclusions.” My conclusions are her favorite part of the day). Things like realizing that I am the only person who can truly make me happy, not having a plan is sometimes a good streak of luck, and you are truly your own worst enemy.
You what I think I have noticed more than anything? Things are never as bad as you think they are. It’s kind of like when you look in the mirror, you are 10x harder on yourself than you need to be… the same thing goes for situations. You have the power to make your day harder than it needs to be. On days like today, I was anxious. I actually texted Jess this morning (eh-early afternoon) and told her that I was anxious today. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I was happy Jess didn’t text me back right away. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, Rachel was doing her schoolwork instead of testing me back. They were both busy, which was perfect for me. Guess what I had to do? I had to work on my attitude myself. I decided that I couldn’t look to Rachel and Jess every single time that I was anxious or upset. It is not their job to cheer me up. Are they good at it and do I need an extra boost sometimes? Yes, sometimes we all do. But honestly, on days like today, I needed to find it within myself to cheer myself up…that was the only way things were going to get better.
I didn’t go crying for attention and I didn’t make my friends or boyfriend drop what they were doing to come console me. I wasn’t anxious because I thought everyone was upset with me. This stemmed from inside me. This had everything to do with Kylie not being happy with Kylie. I dug to the bottom AND FOUND THE DEEPER MEANING! Who doesn’t love a good happy ending? ;)
Fun fact: I deleted my blog because I didn’t think it was helping people and I decided that if people didn’t tell me how much they loved my blog, that means they hated it. Does that mean Justin doesn’t think I’m beautiful because he doesn’t tell me every hour? No, it doesn’t. Today I decided that I don’t need constant feedback from others to live a happy life. I am happy with all I do. When I start to panic because I am not getting enough feedback about me being a good friend, about my blog being good, about being a good girlfriend, about being a good employee… That is when I start to get anxious. I need to learn that I am doing a good job and they people that are in my life are in my life for that very reason. If I wasn’t a good employee, I would be fired. That is my feedback. If I wasn’t a good girlfriend, I would be single. That is my feedback. If I am not being a good friend, I would be friend-less. That is my feedback. And as for my blog, it makes me happy. Therefore I will keep it up. I don’t need constant feedback to live my life. If I know I am doing the best that I can, then I need to be happy. As long as I am happy with myself… life is good.
Moral of the story: when you learn to love yourself more, the constant approval and feedback of others is unnecessary. Do what you love. Be good to the people around you. And work your ass off, every single day. If you never learn to love yourself, you can’t expect others to love you. I am glad that I go through patches like this in my life, because it teaches me so much. Today on my drive back from North Carolina, I had wonderful thoughts. About how I can better myself and make my life happier. It all starts and ends with me. You can be your own worst enemy or you can be your own best friend. Which will you choose?
(Just remember- it’s hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you and bringing you down all the time!) Love yourself first and everything will fall right into place.
Goodness I missed this :)