Isn’t it absolutely amazing how the human body works? I was feeling off this morning- a little shaky, nervous, and off my game. I had a doctor’s appointment and they took my blood pressure. My normal 112/70 was 118/72 (a little high for me). Do you know what anxiety does to your blood pressure? Anxiety raises blood pressure! I also got the results back for my blood work and my iron levels were a little low (shocker, no multi-vitamin and I don’t eat red meat often anymore), but my CBC’s were fine, so my doctor wasn’t worried. She did recommend taking an iron supplement though since I am not getting much in my diet anymore.
I’ve been really thinking lately and I heard something today that sort of proved me right. I’m not a normal human. I can’t handle certain situations properly. Sometimes I talk in circles. I blame my emotions on other things because I can’t handle them myself. I take that back… I can handle them myself; I’m just so tried of it. I’m tired of not being able to get over things on my own. I’m tired of being ‘too emotional’. And I’m tired of taking my emotions out on my health. No- I haven’t been purging at all. But I will admit I have been limiting myself and I’m actually doing it right now. It sucks to not be ‘normal’. It absolutely SUCKS to be clinically diagnosed with something that not everyone understands. It sucks to be told you have too much emotion… because when I hear that, it makes me want to revert back to having no emotion. And believe me when I say that is a scary sight. Anyone who has seen it knows… depression is an ugly sight.
Sometimes I think about going back onto my other medicine because it was easier. Life was easier. I didn’t have to try as hard to be ‘normal’ or use the ‘excuse’ of suffering from a mental disorder. Believe me, if I had the choice of my brain producing the same amount of chemicals as a ‘regular brain’… I would choose it in a heartbeat. Do you think I enjoy lying awake at night? Do you think I enjoy running myself into the ground? Do you think I like having a streak of good days and then having one bad day that ruins all my progress? Do you think it’s easy to remember the only reason you are somewhat ‘normal’ functioning is because you take a pill everyday? I preach happiness, positivity, and loving yourself and I can barely do those things on my own… I need a pill to help me find those three things. It’s a really shitty feeling to know that you can hardly achieve what you stand for on your own.
I have ridiculously irrational fears that not many people can relate to. There is a reason I always have my phone on me. Whenever it dies or I don’t have it, I get the sickest feeling in my stomach that something is happening to someone in my family and no one can reach me. When I don’t hear from my dad right away (because he always responds quickly), I start to panic because something ‘must’ be wrong. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was able to spend long time periods away from my house because I would panic from not being home. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I stopped turning to purging to make my anxiety go away.
Everything in the entire world could be peaceful. Everything could be happening exactly as it is supposed to… and I will always find something to panic about. Not because I choose to. I hate stressing. I hate shaking. I hate not being able to eat because I can’t stomach the thought of food. I hate sitting alone and just staring off into the distance. I don’t do these things because I ‘want’ to. I don’t do these things for attention. Believe me, if I could be alone and not have to talk to anyone about my feelings or anything- I would. I would never leave my house and it wouldn’t be pretty.
I was taught to talk about my feelings. I was taught to get things off my chest when I am feeling a certain way. I was taught that panic attacks only last (usually) no longer than 15 minutes, so I just need to cry it out and push through because it will be over soon. I was taught that my medicine doesn’t define me. But to be completely honest, it’s hard to believe these things sometimes…
Not everyone wants to hear your problems. Those 15 minutes of you panicking? Other people get annoyed dealing with it (which I honestly can't say I blame them). Crying is ‘stupid’ and ‘unnecessary’ to some people. And as for my medicine? I don’t want to be on it. If I could go off the medicine and fix myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. But it isn’t really my choice. I am rational enough to listen to my doctor. It was hard for me to be able to go off one of my pills… but the other one? I am actually scared to go off of.
I remember my life 6 years ago. I remember how I acted and how I felt. I’ve come so far and I am really proud of myself. Happiness and positivity is something that I have to practice every single day. I started a blog, I meditate, I turn to exercise, I look at quotes daily, and I try to help others. I try to heal myself daily. I try to get stronger so one day I don’t have to rely on medicine. But you know what? It isn’t going to happen all at once. It’s hard living in a world where some people don’t even believe in mental disorders. It’s hard having bad days and trying to be rational… because sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes, I can’t be rational. I pawn my emotions off on other things/people because something is wrong internally. That's the worst when that happens... because I do seem crazy but that's how I ask for help.
When I fall, I’m not down for long. I used to fall and stay down for days. Now, it’s an average of a few hours. So excuse me while I say that I am proud for where I am at and how far I have come. No one can take away my dedication to my health and overall wellbeing. I care about my happiness. I care about my life. I’m not perfect… I’m nowhere near perfect. But I’m Kylie and I am what I am. I’m strong and freaking awesome… EVEN when I am at my worst, I am still awesome. At the end of the day- I'm sorry for everyone who has encountered me at my worst. But I also thank you, because you are the ones who deserve me at my best. I'm still working on appreciating my self-worth, but anything worth having doesn't come easy.
Last night I told myself I would have 'me' time and clean and do things that make my soul happy. I pawned that off and was running in circles this morning trying to get everything done. There was strike one... it started last night. I didn't fix it when I should have... Then I was late for work this morning (by 4 minutes) because NOVA traffic is the devil. That's strike two. Then I pawned off my emotions and made things 10x worse for others, not only myself. That's strike three.
I'm so thankful for writing. It helps me see everything much more clear.
I just took my blood pressure again and it was 125/75. Excuse me while I go force myself to eat lunch and force myself to get a better attitude. Because I know I am capable of it.
P.S.- Justin, I love you and thank you I am such a trip (I know), but you're becoming a pro at handling me.