Today is 9/11 and we all know about the tragic events associated with this day. I was 7 years old when the attacks happened and I barely remember anything. Jillian wasn’t even alive when the attacks happened.
I actually thought of this blog post last night but didn’t really feel like putting pen to paper (err- fingers to keys?). Sometimes I get these great ideas for a post and then I don’t really have anything spark them, but today I did.
As everything in life moves forward, the clock changes from minutes to hours, the calendars change from month to month, we are also changing. We are all evolving into something so much more. Lately, I can tell so many aspects changing and evolving.
Today for instance- I got upset. Last year at this time, when I got upset, I turned to my eating disorder to push me through. The rush of the way I treated my body helped me realize that I was in control. I could make my body purge, I could tell myself no… I was in complete control. It seemed that my disorder was the only thing that could control at the time, so I took it and ran with it. In reality- my disorder controlled me. I was held captive and I had no desire to be freed. Where does the change come in here? Well, when I got upset today, instead of dwelling (which is what I usually do, I’ll usually do anything to get attention in these situations) I decided to go run. I turn to exercise a lot but it used to be a mix of looking for attention as well as exercise… that only partially helped.
Today, I just ran and ran and ran. You know what I can control? MYSELF. I can control how I let situations affect me and how I react to them. Today I decided to take the drivers seat of my life and I rode that until I felt better. I pushed myself through a great run and got out of the house and went to a winery with friends. I have a new outlook when I get upset and it has been working well with me lately. I’m just distancing myself from the focal point of the reasoning behind my feelings. I’m not giving it the time of day. I close my eyes, tell myself how important I am, and I move on with life. I find a healthy way to release my negative energy and I end up feeling better.
But with my best quality, comes my worst and they are both related. I sometimes put too much of my energy into helping others. I believe that we are all empathic to an extent; we all feed on each other’s energy. When someone is in need of my energy, God finds a way to put him or her in my life. I have yet to find the balance of giving my energy to others and using my own energy. I’m the girl with her eggs in one basket; it’s how it’s always been with me… Until lately.
I decided I’m done exerting all my energy. If I’m starting to feel something negative, I’d rather just not deal with it. I’m learning the art of speaking my peace and moving on. Does that mean I speak my peace and everything is A-OK? HELL NO. Your girl needs some time to reflect… if we don’t reflect, we can’t learn from anything. I do a lot of reflecting and it makes a lot of things clear for me. I’m a girl who looks into the future… I can’t help it, but I do. I like having somewhat of a plan but I’m learning that the plans you have now, don’t have to be in your future. You are allowed to change them at any point in time. That is the goddamn beauty of this life!!! IT IS YOURS. If you want to change it up, then hell! Change it up!
If it is possible for me to leave when I graduate, I’m out of here. And it’s not because I hate my parents or I’m tired of living at home. It’s because I’m ready for CHANGE. I’m ready for new. So far, I’m really proud of myself. I’ve been connecting with some old friends lately and also making new friends. I’m finding plans and making connections because I want to grow. There is a concert I am going to in October and there is a good chance I might be going alone AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME! I know some of you are thinking it’s weird that I’m okay with going to a concert alone, but it doesn’t bother me what anything thinks about that decision. I want to see the artist…so I am going to see the artist. My plans do not revolve around anyone but myself. Do I want friends to go? Sure! I actually reached out to an old friend to see if they wanted to join in. But that isn’t going to affect the outcome of me going.
I was looking through some of my old Instagram posts last night and I just started smiling because I’m so happy with who I am. Like, hey guys I’m Kylie and I’m damn proud of that. I’m learning how to be more confident and self-respected because I’m put in situations where I need to (as my mom would say) “shit or get off the pot.” I need to either become Kylie… or mold into what everyone else wants me to be. Hell, if I had a little minion I could mold—I would love that; so I would expect everyone else would too. But I know for a fact I am not that minion. I will not be molded by anyone; I’m molding myself.
I’ve just felt different lately, a good different. I’ve felt more independent. I’m done relying on others to make me smile. “If you live by the jump shot, you die by the jump shot.” I have pride in who I am and it may sound cocky but it took me 22 damn years to learn how to love myself, so I will continue to say it. But, just because I say it doesn’t mean it’s true. I have to prove it. Actions speak louder than words. Just because I tell myself I’m beautiful, doesn’t mean I believe it. I dress in clothes that make me look good because that is my body’s way of expressing itself. I’m proving to myself that I love ME.
Damn this feels good. Usually when I get down, I get all “Kylie you suck” but that just isn’t the case anymore. I’m over self-blame. I really enjoy the self-worth and self-respect outlook. I don’t expect others to respect me, if I don’t respect myself. And let me tell you, ever since I turned over this new leaf, I’ve definitely gotten more respect. It feels great.
Keep changing. Keep growing. Keep doing it for YOURSELF!!