Have you ever let someone steal your happiness? I’m sure at one time or another, we have all done so. We put our happiness into the hands of someone or something else and in return we always get let down. But why does this always seem to happen?
The answer is simple; we shouldn’t be putting our happiness in the hands of others. You should be the only person who is in control of your own happiness. I’m not someone who put my happiness in the hands of someone else… but in the hands of something else (well… for the sake of this post). Lately, when I have found that I am letting something/someone else take control of my happiness, I try to change it. The first step in trying to change something is recognizing that there is a problem. I recognized that there’s a problem and I guess it’s time to take the next step. For me, I’ve always been good at writing my feelings, so I figured the next step is to propose a break up because I am tired of my happiness relying on something else. (Yeah, I’m writing a hypothetical break-up letter with inanimate objects… it sounds silly. But hey, it works for me.)
It’s time to break up.
To my once good friend- eating disorder,
I’ve let you control my life for the past few years. You were always in the back of my mind no matter what I was eating or what I was doing. Although at the time, I didn’t know much about you or the impact you were making on my body. I didn’t know that you were going to become such an issue in my life.
If you think about it, having an eating disorder is a little like breaking up with your first love. You decide to break up and it sucks- it’s really hard. You don’t stop thinking about that person, well, because they were such a huge part of your life. It’s almost the same feeling. No- I don’t miss sneaking around and hurting my body from the inside out. But it was truly a huge part of my life, something I turned to. When life got stressful, I got anxious, or I felt an ounce of regret from eating something, I turned to YOU to make me feel better. It was a temporary pain relief that I don’t expect many to understand. Over the past year and a half, I have relapsed on being clean, but I’ve been clean for a few months now (yay!) and it feels wonderful.
You are something that I still think about everyday. I don’t think about letting you back in my life, but just simply turning down your temptation doesn’t mean you leave my life. It’s said that it can take up to 10 years for someone to get over an eating disorder completely. 10 years. That doesn’t mean you are expected to relapse for 10 years… it means that you don’t have a healthy relationship with food; it means that the politics of the disorder are always in the back of your mind. It takes a longer time to learn how to be comfortable with food for some people.
I let you get the better of my life. Day in and day out I let you make decisions for me. I let you talk me in and out of things. I let you decide what I will eat, when I will eat it, and how much of it I will eat. I let you control everything. I’m just a puppet on a stick to you. You don’t even care and that’s the worst part. You’re just something that I have made up in my mind to be real, and yet I still listen to you.
I want to stop giving into you and your demands. I say that, but I find myself still by your side, holding your hand everyday. There are so many little things I know I need to stop doing. I know what they are and I know you swing temptation in my face to do them. I gave up a huge part of our relationship but that doesn’t mean you can keep taking over other aspects of my life.
I gave you so much of me. I gave you attention and I treated you way too well compared to how you treat me. When others thought you weren’t good for me, I would find ways to assure that you were. I found ways to always make you a ‘good’ part of my life. You always made me feel like I was the wrong one for deciding to have a piece of cake or not go to the gym. You would make me feel bad for trying to get some freedom. But I finally see the truth now. It wasn’t me that was wrong… it was always YOU.
I’m not the problem, you are. You don’t deserve a place in my life. You’re negative, unhealthy, and just plain cruel. You make me hate myself and I shouldn’t hate myself. I know what I have going for me and I know what kind of person I am. I can’t keep letting you have this much say in my life… that’s why I’m finally breaking up with you. I’m putting my foot down.
Today when I walk by the mirror every time I go to the bathroom, I’m not going to lift my shirt to see if I gained weight within the last hour.
Today when I go out, I’m not going to look at the window to see my reflection and wonder if I look okay.
Today when I wake up, I’m going to eat a balanced breakfast because I WANT to… not because I have to.
Today every time I look in a mirror I am going to smile because I love what I see.
Today I’m not going to pinch the fat that I have on my body and tell myself it is ‘unacceptable’ that I am able to even pinch any off my body.
Today I am going to wake up loving myself.
Today I am putting my foot down. Just because I’m not physically with you anymore, doesn’t mean your mental presence still has a place in my life. I’m better than that and I’m better off without you. If we are being honest here, you kind of suck, a lot.
There are not negotiations to be held, it’s over. We are over.
Your old friend,
Kylie
P.S.- THAT BROWNIE I HAD YESTERDAY TASTED AMAZING.
The answer is simple; we shouldn’t be putting our happiness in the hands of others. You should be the only person who is in control of your own happiness. I’m not someone who put my happiness in the hands of someone else… but in the hands of something else (well… for the sake of this post). Lately, when I have found that I am letting something/someone else take control of my happiness, I try to change it. The first step in trying to change something is recognizing that there is a problem. I recognized that there’s a problem and I guess it’s time to take the next step. For me, I’ve always been good at writing my feelings, so I figured the next step is to propose a break up because I am tired of my happiness relying on something else. (Yeah, I’m writing a hypothetical break-up letter with inanimate objects… it sounds silly. But hey, it works for me.)
It’s time to break up.
To my once good friend- eating disorder,
I’ve let you control my life for the past few years. You were always in the back of my mind no matter what I was eating or what I was doing. Although at the time, I didn’t know much about you or the impact you were making on my body. I didn’t know that you were going to become such an issue in my life.
If you think about it, having an eating disorder is a little like breaking up with your first love. You decide to break up and it sucks- it’s really hard. You don’t stop thinking about that person, well, because they were such a huge part of your life. It’s almost the same feeling. No- I don’t miss sneaking around and hurting my body from the inside out. But it was truly a huge part of my life, something I turned to. When life got stressful, I got anxious, or I felt an ounce of regret from eating something, I turned to YOU to make me feel better. It was a temporary pain relief that I don’t expect many to understand. Over the past year and a half, I have relapsed on being clean, but I’ve been clean for a few months now (yay!) and it feels wonderful.
You are something that I still think about everyday. I don’t think about letting you back in my life, but just simply turning down your temptation doesn’t mean you leave my life. It’s said that it can take up to 10 years for someone to get over an eating disorder completely. 10 years. That doesn’t mean you are expected to relapse for 10 years… it means that you don’t have a healthy relationship with food; it means that the politics of the disorder are always in the back of your mind. It takes a longer time to learn how to be comfortable with food for some people.
I let you get the better of my life. Day in and day out I let you make decisions for me. I let you talk me in and out of things. I let you decide what I will eat, when I will eat it, and how much of it I will eat. I let you control everything. I’m just a puppet on a stick to you. You don’t even care and that’s the worst part. You’re just something that I have made up in my mind to be real, and yet I still listen to you.
I want to stop giving into you and your demands. I say that, but I find myself still by your side, holding your hand everyday. There are so many little things I know I need to stop doing. I know what they are and I know you swing temptation in my face to do them. I gave up a huge part of our relationship but that doesn’t mean you can keep taking over other aspects of my life.
I gave you so much of me. I gave you attention and I treated you way too well compared to how you treat me. When others thought you weren’t good for me, I would find ways to assure that you were. I found ways to always make you a ‘good’ part of my life. You always made me feel like I was the wrong one for deciding to have a piece of cake or not go to the gym. You would make me feel bad for trying to get some freedom. But I finally see the truth now. It wasn’t me that was wrong… it was always YOU.
I’m not the problem, you are. You don’t deserve a place in my life. You’re negative, unhealthy, and just plain cruel. You make me hate myself and I shouldn’t hate myself. I know what I have going for me and I know what kind of person I am. I can’t keep letting you have this much say in my life… that’s why I’m finally breaking up with you. I’m putting my foot down.
Today when I walk by the mirror every time I go to the bathroom, I’m not going to lift my shirt to see if I gained weight within the last hour.
Today when I go out, I’m not going to look at the window to see my reflection and wonder if I look okay.
Today when I wake up, I’m going to eat a balanced breakfast because I WANT to… not because I have to.
Today every time I look in a mirror I am going to smile because I love what I see.
Today I’m not going to pinch the fat that I have on my body and tell myself it is ‘unacceptable’ that I am able to even pinch any off my body.
Today I am going to wake up loving myself.
Today I am putting my foot down. Just because I’m not physically with you anymore, doesn’t mean your mental presence still has a place in my life. I’m better than that and I’m better off without you. If we are being honest here, you kind of suck, a lot.
There are not negotiations to be held, it’s over. We are over.
Your old friend,
Kylie
P.S.- THAT BROWNIE I HAD YESTERDAY TASTED AMAZING.