I am done putting off this happy life I want. It literally just hit me. Last night, I played the pity party. I got invited to do something, got left in the blue, and then let everything fall on top of me. Instead of making new plans and still going out to have a great night, I stayed home. Well, I went to visit Grandma, sat with her and wrote for a good hour (which I made 2 amazing blog posts about Grandma that I will be posting around her birthday). Then I went back to the gym for the second time that day and ran. I did the two things that make me feel better… but neither one seemed to work. BUT I TRIED.
Sometimes we just fall, and that is okay. I am starting to understand. I haven’t felt like this in so long, so I guess it is hard for me to grasp. Rach wrote a blog post last night about me, which almost put me in tears when I read it this morning. She is a HUGE comfort zone for me, so even just seeing what she writes about me can change my whole day. I tried to take in what she said, but it didn't sink in as quickly as I hoped it would. BUT I TRIED.
Her post was about hitting rock bottom. She was just talking about how I am such an inspiration… but in reality, she inspires me. It is amazing. The attitude she has after everything she has been through in life? It is flawless. Rachel, you did the right thing tonight, you stood up for yourself and I am SO proud of you. You are being put through a difficult test right now and I commend you on how you are handling the situation. You teach me new ways to be a better person everyday, thank you for that.
So this morning, I had a great morning at the gym. I killed it. Good gym days always help me start my day off right. But then, I get to work. And everything hit me all at once. I felt like crap… My manager walked in, said a few things to me and I barely replied to him. I had the entire front room cleaned; windows washed, and shaved ice flavor bottles filled before opening time (which never happens). I clean when I am anxious. My manager finally called me out for being quiet, and all I had the energy to say back to him was a simple ‘yeah’.
I hate being in a bad mood… but I wasn’t really in a ‘bad mood’. I just felt off. I hated the feeling. I tried taking some deep breaths, which didn’t seem to really work. I tried cleaning, which didn’t really seem to work. I tried talking to Karen about how I was feeling, and even that didn’t really seem to work.
Then, it hit me… This was a temporary feeling; this was something that I was going to have to push through. This wasn’t something that was going to leave in an hour. And I finally came to terms with that. I might have some off moments in these next couple of days, I might also have some weak moments… and I am okay with that.
My day did get better though. Half way through the shift, I could slowly start feeling myself coming around. (Nathan, thank you for making me laugh all shift, I was really needed and I know I can always count on you.) By the end of the shift, I was feeling good. I went home, saw my sister, and I was feeling good.
Then… tonight, I decided to check my grades. Yep, I failed Statistics. I have no one to blame but myself, but I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system behind me to help me through all of this. So what does this mean? Well, my GPA this semester SUCKS and I just have to retake it in the fall. I am already taking 4 classes this summer and if I can’t pass STATS in a normal length semester… I don’t even want to know what it will be like in the summer. So hey, what is done, is done. I can’t go back in time, so why do I need to worry about it? It is what it is.
I got in a good cry and I moved on. Sometimes you just have to fall down on your knees. When I fall, I can pick myself back up. Sometimes I can do it quickly, and other times it takes a little bit longer than I would like. But that is okay, life is a learning game and each and every day I am learning something new… although, it is obvious it isn’t statistics that I am learning ;)
I love being able to laugh and joke with myself about myself. I love laughing at myself. Moral of this blog post is that you are truly stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yes, I stole that from Rachel’s post. But it is true, you are so very strong and you have the world in the palm of your hand. You can’t dwell on the past and you can’t be anxious about the future. You need to learn how to live in the present and enjoy the ride. My lovely sister told me to sit back and enjoy the ride today; I love having so many inspirations in my life.
I had a small victory today. I overcame my negative emotions and ended up having a great day. What was your small victory today?