I was babysitting, staring at my computer trying to finish a blog post, after I had put Jillian and Lindsay to sleep. I had a feeling Jillian was going to have trouble falling asleep… but I just couldn’t stop.
I was bawling my eyes out. I could not stop crying. No matter what I did, it just wouldn’t stop. I sat there and just stared at the date. April 2, 2016. April 2, 2016. My mind was completely blank. I felt numb…like it was nearly impossible to even feel the fact that my heart was beating out of my chest. And next thing I know, I hear Jillian come downstairs. She can’t see me cry, that was the only thought running through my mind. I wiped my face, told her I would be right upstairs, and got my shit together. I went up to comfort Jillian and when I went back downstairs I thought maybe it was over, but it wasn’t, it wasn’t even close.
April 2, 2016. A random date, right? Well…yeah actually it is a random date. It has absolutely no significance in my life. But you know what I read when I see ‘April 2, 2016’? I read, “2 days before 3 years.” 3 YEARS. 3 FREAKING YEARS.
You have been gone from my life for 3 years now, Grandma. It almost scares me because as time moves forward, I feel like I move further away from you. On Saturday, Jensy asked me if it felt like it has been that long, or if I felt like it has gone by fast.
I just sat there for a second and I realized that I still feel numb. I can talk about grandma; bring up the good, funny, and bad times; I can bring her up in every conversation and keep my composure. But what I can’t do is talk about what it feels like to miss her. That I can’t do with composure. I can’t even find anything verbal to say about that.
If you have ever suffered from depression, you know what it feels like. For those who have not, usually make the assumption that it means you feel sad all the time… but this assumption is far from true. When you get depressed, you don’t feel. You feel numb to the world. At my lowest points, I remember sitting in my bathroom, staring at the wall with a blank stare for hours. I didn’t feel anything, and it is truly one of the scariest feelings.
That’s how I feel when I talk about missing my grandma. I can’t feel. I can’t talk. I want to just run away from the question, find grandma, and laugh at this being one huge dream. Because that’s what this is right? A dream?
I actually believed that for the longest time. But it is true, part of me for sat in denial and waited for the day that I was going to wake up from this nightmare. I lived in a fantasy, thinking that if I believed hard enough, that just maybe it would turn out this was a crazy lucid dream and everything would be okay.
But this isn’t a dream, this isn’t a joke, and the truth is, grandma isn’t coming back. The truth is, my grandfather is lonely. There is no clutter on the kitchen table. There are no basketball game traditions. Holiday decorations are the bare minimum. My children will never get to meet their great grandmother. And the worst part… a piece of my heart is completely shattered and it can never be repaired. There is nothing I can do to fix or change a thing. Crying won’t make me feel better, praying won’t change anything, and wishing upon a star won’t bring her back.
So to answer the question, it feels like an eternity since I lost my grandmother. Life has been like this for 3 years now. Part of me feels like I deserve a reward, I feel like everyone in my family does. Never in a million years did I think that my grandma would be the first death I would truly experience. Every death that I have known about before grandma, I was too young to understand. My aunt’s father passed a few months before grandma and that was the first funeral I had been to that I could actually remember. I couldn’t even remember meeting him. It was a sad time, but nothing was gut wrenchingly painful as losing my grandma.
Everything happens for a reason, and I know how much I have grown and matured since I lost you grandma. I answered the wake up calls that I was ignoring, I finally surrounded myself with people who bring out the best in me, and I actually learned to love myself. But I swear… I could have learned all of this in time if I still had you. But you can't stress the could haves... if they should have, they would have.
The lessons that your beautiful soul taught me, I will carry with me the rest of my life. You were such a blessing and I truly don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I remember my first heartbreak and I didn’t think that there could be a worse pain. But I found one, and that was losing you. You were the world’s most perfect grandmother and I wish that I could just cuddle with you one more time and tell you that I love you. But I will one day.
I love you grandma. I will love you forever and I will miss you forever. I’m going to keep making you proud, I promise. Your love makes me stronger everyday, knowing that I have you on my side gives me courage to face the toughest battles. Being able to hold your hand whenever I need it helps me come out of my comfort zone. I'll be having a beer with you today at happy hour.
I know I'm going to be just fine. Grace Belle Drauszewski was the strongest woman I have ever met and I have part of her inside of me. I have always been a fighter and that is just how grandma raised her family. I think the most beautiful part of life is not knowing what is going to happen next. Live everyday with no regrets. Tell the people you love that you love them EVERYDAY, start getting into shape, buy the pair of shoes you want, push yourself to reach your goals. Tomorrow will never come, today is your tomorrow. You NEVER know when your last day is and you never know when one of your loved ones last day is. Stay POSITIVE, smile at strangers, and don't sweat the small stuff.
Just do whatever the hell makes you happy, okay?