Everyone breaks at some point, sometimes the stress just becomes too much too handle. I have been putting off for too long now, and today it hit me all at once. Full speed. It was weird though because… it is almost like I forgot how to do that. Rachel was at my house helping me with my homework and when her back was turned to me, I let my eyes tear up, but I got too embarrassed to let them fall.
Then, I said, “I am going to cry and let my emotions out for a minute.”
Rach gave me a minute alone, then rubbed my back for a minute. She sat there in silence until I was done. She knew that is what I needed, a good cry. And yes, she was right.
Today is month 25.
25 months without my fearless leader. I don’t really realize how hard it is until I sit down and think about it. I am one to put off my emotions because being around people with positive energy is more enjoyable, right?
Well, it’s time to let it all out.
I have to start out by saying, I know you’ve been proud of your grandbabies before, but Sami had to have just topped that list.
(My cousin Sami was just named the Regimental Commander of the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets… she is basically a big deal.)
She swore in on May 2nd, and I know you were there for her Grandma. Here or in heaven, you wouldn’t have missed that for the world. You never missed a beat.
I swear it was possible for you to be in two places at once, because you were everywhere.
Sometimes it’s hard to explain how I feel.
You are everywhere grandma, but you’re nowhere to be found.
Your memories are brought up in daily conversation and you make no new memories, but somehow we never run out of them.
And then sometimes, it isn’t hard to explain how I feel because I just don’t. Sometimes I just get numb. It has been 25 months and I STILL to this day wonder how in the world those doctors missed the signs. I still to this day wonder if I could’ve done something to save you. I would’ve done anything to save you Grandma.
Do you remember when we went to Georgia together to see the Champions Classic? We played Duke that year. That was such an amazing vacation. It was just you and I the entire time. I remember we joked for the longest time about how my mom didn’t trust us to drive down there together, so we had to fly. I am glad we did though; those airports we stopped at were beautiful. I remember riding all the escalators together, watching everyone sit in the giant rocking chairs. I am sitting here grinning ear to ear, tearing up thinking about it.
We had dinner that night together at the super fancy restaurant that was attached onto our hotel. We decided to do the buffet, and then we had coffee, dessert, and hot chocolate after. I remember when the bill came we almost shit our pants!! It was so expensive! And you made me promise Grandpa I wouldn’t tell him how much we spent because he would kick our butts.
We laughed about that for the longest time after the vacation Grandma…
Do you remember how we got lost outside of the Georgia Dome and we ended up walking around the building nearly two times? There was a lot of uphill walking, and I remember having to take some breaks.
This was November of 2012… By this point, no one knew, but your cancer was already too far-gone. You didn’t even know why you were in so much pain.
I still refuse to forgive myself for getting us lost that night grandma. I made you walk all over the place, and I didn’t even realize how much pain you were actually in. Granted, you hid it well because you were good at hiding your pain… but I shouldn’t have gotten us lost grandma.
That trip that we took together is still one of my favorite memories that we have together. We bonded so much and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I remember when we got back we told everyone that we went to the strip club after the game… when in reality we just went back to the hotel room and knocked out! We were BEAT!
Kansas might have lost, we might have spent too much money, and we might have walked 38473859 miles trying to find our hotel after the game… but I wouldn’t trade the amazing memories we made for ANYTHING. We laughed, we joked, and we enjoyed each other’s company and to me that is a perfect vacation.
I would give anything to be able to be a Georgia Peach with you for one more day.
You were fearless, independent, caring, and responsible. I am trying so hard to be everything you were grandma. Although, you were hardheaded and stubborn… and those are two qualities that I know I definitely got from you!
Bottom line, I hope I am making you proud grandma. Your memories are constantly running through my mind, and I don’t think they will ever disappear.
You are my saving Grace.
I love you more than anything and I can’t wait to see you again.