Anyways.. I'm sure you're probably wondering why this is named 14. Well, tomorrow is June 4th... Which means it has been 14 months since my grandmother has passed away.. 14 long months of hoping and wishing that I will find her someday.
I have a story that I want to tell you all. Some of you might think that I am crazy, some of you might think I am normal, and some of you might not care either way. (For the record- I am very weird and crazy, but that is beside the point. I think this is fairly normal.)
So, here goes nothing.
On April 4th, 2013 I lost my grandma. My second mother, one of my best friends, and a fellow Jayhawk. Gone. Within the blink of an eye... it was all just.. over.
What happens when we die? Where do we go? And no, i'm not trying to start a religion battle by asking that question, i'm being serious... Can I drive there? Take a plane? Is there a portal?
Or is it true... I will never see my grandma again on this earth....
What I would give for one more conversation. Just one. That's all I ask for.
When grandma first passed, when it was still new that she was gone... sometimes I would call her phone. I know she wouldn't answer and I knew it would go straight to voicemail, but I did it anyways. It always ended with me in tears just repeating "I miss you" but what else was I going to say? I just want her here.
The other day, I was missing her a lot. I was leaving the gym and I wanted to try to call her. I wanted so bad to talk to her. We could literally talk about the weather for all I care... Just one conversation. So what did I do? I called her cell phone. I had not done this in probably 8+ months I would say... So I knew I was going to ramble a lot.
Right before I called her, I called my mom. It was past 10, so she was already asleep and didn't answer. So when I called grandma's phone and it rang, instead of going straight to voicemail, I got nervous I was going to wake my mom up and scare her.
We have the Verizon family plan, so Grandma just added her phone onto our contract. (Grandpa still does not believe in cell phones. He has had a pay-as-you-go phone for nearly ...3 years? And he has not added more money on it once!) My house had pretty much been the grandma dumpster for all of her stuff. It was hard for a while, sometimes I would just go downstairs to look at, touch, and even smell her clothes.
Anyways- the phone rang... and rang... and ra- When someone answered the phone on the other line.
And my heart sank. I was totally mind blown at this moment. I talked to the lady, Julianne, on the other line. I kindly asked who she was and told her that I had the wrong number. (I am sorry Julianne, if you ever come across this post!)
My heart broke into a million pieces. I honestly don't know why it did... I know that I can't exactly speak to her over a voicemail, but... it was just like the last connection to her I felt that I had, ya know? I wanted to talk to her. I wanted her and I to watch the KU season together. To go to CHICAGO together... the ONE spot that we were waiting on going to. I want her to see Kimmy grow... To be here and talk to her, and hold her. To see my sissy get married...
Until I lost my grandma... It truly never hit me that you don't get everything that you want.
Honestly- I am absolutely terrified that I will never be able to see my best friend again. I am terrified because I have no idea what is going to happen to me.
You can tell me what the bible says, and you can tell me what Google says, but in the end- no one truly knows what happens to us.
It is a scary thought. At least for me it is... And honestly, I've never worried about it as much as I do now, because I want to see grandma again. My sister told me one day that I need to just believe that I will see her again, because I will.. and she is right. When I look on the bright side of things, it makes it a lot easier to deal with.
Another thing- I've always been terrified of ghosts. I have always swore that my grandma's house has one (all the grandkids and i think so, but none of the adults do) because of the crazy random things and feelings that go on in there. And until now, i've been scared to encounter one. But for some reason, I find myself hoping that I can meet with grandma sometime soon.
Now I wrote this entire post without one tear, I hope you all can read it without one. 14 months and going strong. I speak for my entire family when I say that we miss you grandma and we can't wait to see you again.